I have never intended to make this blog a ‘parenting’ one only. I wanted it to be a general blog on different issues, but parenting concerns seem to come up quite often.
I had always thought of becoming the perfect wife and mom. As a child and a teenager,
I loved kids so much and was loved by many in return. I thought then that I only needed ‘love’ to manage well as a mom,
oh how wrong I was.
Now as a mother of three (seven years old and younger), things can be so different from the sweet picture I had drawn for myself.
It isn’t easy to be the perfect one that I thought I’d be. It is actually easier to be imperfect, however, very difficult to accept it.
Choices made are of great concern for me. Was it a right decision to move the children to a specific school?, will a specific discipline that we reinforce have a positive impact?, am I preparing my child to be well equipped to face hurdles of life. Am I being too protective or too careful that I am affecting my child’s self-esteem. Am I discriminating between them without realising it? Are we helping them grow into healthy happy adults?
How does my behaviour affect them?,, am I causing more harm than good with my reaction especially when I am irritated or stressed with different issues and I can’t handle them well. What about my words? Words can be double-edged sword. Am I a good role model when I am myself dissatisfied with my own behaviour sometimes.
Time, which is a major issue for me, especially when I can never achieve much with them with so many different things to do and accomplish almost daily. Am I making the right decision to work and spend long hours at work, are money and career development worth the sacrifices. Am I going to regret things I should have done with them as they are young now. Am I missing out some things that I should put a close eye on?
All these issues and even more concern me. I wonder sometimes what kind of memories I am making for these little kids. Will they know that I spent much of their life thinking of how to make things better for them. Will they remember the love?
What about yourself, do you worry about some of these things or others?
Love,
Ibtisam
Ibtisam's Musings 
I am battling some of these issues right now…I guess I always have been. I’ll be back to really answer this question…
salam 🙂
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Would love to hear from you on this issue…
thanks Salma 🙂
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Ok here goes…once again I love to see real moms in the blogosphere. I like to feel that I’m connecting with someone who does not live in a fairy tale world, which is what I think you alluded to at the beginning of the post. I think that worrying, planning and reassessment is SO important when we are parents. I think it’s a huge part of doing the work, like being in the centre of it.
You know that I grew up in an abusive home. I felt neglected and unloved for a very long time. So growing up I didn’t plan on being the perfect mother I just knew I would be different-catch my drift? So we have our own histories and I think all the things you feel are normal, and while there are a million things that we can do to raise our kids a certain way, we can never know how they will turn out BUT there are specific things that we can do that will certainly traumatize them and then God help them find their way.
The fact that you are asking and searching for ways to bring up your kids means that you are doing the best you can do with what you have.
Remember we say bismillah for a reason. Go everything with Allah in mind…not culture or popular opinion or “just” present circumstances…he will do the rest if he knows your effort is genuine.
ALSO when your kids grow don’t ever allow them to blame you for their mistakes and decisions or shortcomings. You are doing what you can. You are a human being who is also learning..,
Lastly, I’ve found that co parenting is also difficult at times because hubby and I don’t always think the same on certain issues. It used to be easy for me to say “in the end Islam trumps everything else…” But we still have MANY disagreements about things. It’s a work in progress, and that’s why it’s so important to find a mate who reflects most of our values…
I believe that each chill is different and every effort should be made to accommodate personalities and abilities…I don’t just say it, it’s something that I practice. Of course it takes a great real of my time and energy and I miss doing a lot of things that interest me, but it’s our job to do what we can and then we send them out into the world and see how they “choose” to live.
There’s my novel of an answer..,sent from my not beloved iphone , so excuse any mistakes & Salam alaikum.
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Salma,,
I read your reply many times.. You actually taught me few lessons here mashallah.
First I have always thought to myself ‘how come some of these mom bloggers live a perfect life. A life I can’t seem to be able to achieve’. I realise now that life is not perfect, it can’t be as it is a short one. However, we can still bring out the sweetness.
I believe it is very difficult trying to work out what to do differently especially as in your condition growing up in a harsh environment. for myself , I do pass through moments (which I detest) where I feel I behave in a way that I hated the most when I was a kid and adult around me treated me on that specific way.
You are right Salma, we do attempt to do our best, But I worry, and I feel guilty sometimes. I promise myself I’d do better, but you know how sometimes you miss out some things..
You are absolutely right, we do have the faith and start by the Name of Allah,, hoping things will be better inshallah.
Thank you for your great advice, I do see the point. Kids will grow into responsible people and they should be aware of that.
Co parenting, I see it more of a different now as kids grow older, but alhamdulilah as probably we come from the same family and culture (hubby and me),, it isn’t that different (for now as kids are young still)
your reply is appreciated and I love it.
thanks Salma..
xx
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I understand your questions Ibtisam. Being a parent is a hard task. I think we are all on the same boat, trying to give our children the best we can. Love is not enough, but love gives a lot. So many kids don’t have it and they keep searching for it all their lives.
I too wonder whether these choices I made or are making are the right ones for me and Mister Pop. We can only go with what we have at the time. Tomorrow, our children will be adults. They might challenge our choices, but as long as these choices are made taking love into account, I think we are safe.
Take care dear.
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Your comment made me stop for a while, you are so right Marie,, others do search for love and it is a crucial part. I shouldn’t have underestimate it. It counts and other things evolve from it.
Thanks Marie
xx
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