A pregnancy and a cry

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

It was my anomaly scan at 20 weeks’ pregnancy..

I was not going to miss it especially after having two incidences of threatened miscarriage in this pregnancy due to a subchorionic hematoma between the placenta and uterus.

The ultrasound took longer than usual…or so it seemed..

The technicians don’t reveal much information and they advice you to get information on the report result from the gynecologist. 

and so I left..

I had a look at the report…too much details on it..

The word ‘normal’ appeared many times…But one word caught my attention..

“Echogenic heart focus on the left ventricle”

I googled it…

Ignorance can be a blessing sometimes…

” echogenic heart focus is a small bright spot seen in the baby’s heart,, that can be a sign for fetal Down’s syndrome”

My body went weak…

I went into tears..

I thought of myself..my baby,, I thought of how I can manage a child with health problems and learning problems…I questioned my capability to care for a child who will need me so much..I thought of my patients I see with Down’s syndrome..I thought of their parents..

I admit..

My faith was fragile..I was ashamed of myself..

I stopped enjoying my pregnancy..

I started worrying..

My husband took me to another specialist doctor who was really sympathetic. She did an ultrasound and told me that the chances are low..And that I should have faith and pray that the baby will be fine..

But we do live on chances that things can go right or wrong..I started to think it that way…No one knows how they’ll be on the next hour or so…It’s Allah’s* grace that keeps us hoping for the better..for an almost perfect life…

when happiness might not mean getting what you plan for…but what Allah plans for you..

I stopped crying..I started praying..and believing that Allah will only give me something that I can handle..

I could have written volumes on echogenic heart focus and other markers and DS from the amount of reading I’ve been doing..

I lived by my prayers..and my mother’s prayers..and my husband’s prayers..

I will love my child whatever happens…I will try my best to give her what is best for her…no matter what..

When I was around 34 weeks’ pregnant,, I was told that the baby had IUGR and she was too small.. Thus I’ve to go for an induction at around 38 weeks..

Part of me wasn’t worried because I had the same problem with my previous two children, but part of me was worried that maybe I do need to listen to them and go for an induction..

I prayed istikhara asking Allah for guidance on the best choice for the baby and me to be made. Things went on a way that I did have a normal delivery at 40 weeks plus 4 days.

I was terrified that day..

I was worried i’ll fail my baby if I looked at her..

My mother told me she is fine..

I looked at her…

I cried..and smiled and prayed in my heart ..

I pray for all mothers who have children with special needs..I work closely with them on almost daily basis..I admire their courage,,and as much as it can get hard at times, each child is a blessing..

*Allah= God

Love..

Ibtisam